| ACTRESS | PERFORMER | WRITER | VOICE OVER | SINGER | STORYTELLER | ENTERTAINER |
Scriptwriting
Adventures of a seaside holiday guest housekeeper
A One-woman dark comedy show written and performed by me at many Fringe Festival events in the UK during 2019
Barbara Mountbatten
No Puss, get down
I had Rambo come and stay this week,, he looked skinny to me, I said to him, shouldn’t you be full of testosterone and pumped, he said he’d had the flu and had only eaten 2 Weetabix in 48 hours. That’s no good, you need Whey, Creatine, BCAA.S, Glutamine and Beta-Alanine. I could tell he was impressed. He asked if that was what I served for Breakfast. Well no! But I could certainly do him two poached eggs and marmite soldiers’. There’s a lot to be said for a marmite soldier you know. My Dads 95 and Her Royal Majesty (gets up and sings “God save our gracious Queen, Royally, then waves hand, makes a V sign and sits again) Her Royal ness makes him marmite soldiers every morning. He had me late in life, a bastido bit on the side, if you get me? So there was certainly something that’s kept his pecker perky.
I asked Rambo if his blue Mohican was detachable. You can buy them now in Claire’s Accessories, very reasonable price actually if you fancy a bit of a different look now and again. I’m very tempted on a Yellow one to match my Vivian Westwood Orange retro punk pixie boots I recently bought on EBAY. But besides wearing it to the local supermarket and my class of “Abseiling with Alan on costal cliffs” there isn’t much point as I spend most my time cooking and cleaning and I wouldn’t want seagull droppings on it while I’m descending a big cliff wall in a crimp position!
Unfortunately Rambos Mohican didn’t detach so I was a bit worried because I normally supply pure white 200 thread cotton count Egyptian bed linen to my guests, and especially the ones I might like to snuggle up to if the circumstance call for a more tactile Bed and Breakfast experience. Which of course is most useful for obtaining better results on Trip Advisor, the BnB Bible for the modern day holiday rental owner. I will give Rambo my Primark Nylon winter warmer bedding it’s will help sweat out his cold a bit more, anyway he looks about 35 so he’s a bit old for me! Besides his names not Rambo its Ramsbottom, I must get my glasses fixed!
Gonna put that on the shopping list puss.
I’m always trying to be enterprising in my many business endeavours. I get discounts if I recommend any of my guests to venture to try the “Abseiling with Alan” classes, on Coastal cliffs. It’s a good scheme for me in many ways; it stops the guests eating me out of house and home on their climbing mornings. Have you ever seen someone put bacon, peanut butter, Greek yogurt and peaches between toasts at a buffet breakfast? It’s nothing out of the ordinary here, like pigs at a trough some of them, believe me. But then they buy my highly recommended organic-ish picnic lunch for their journey and a bottle of Quinta das Barbara Vinho Tinto matured in my very own vats, for after they have survived the big decent with Alan down Hangover Rock. I call it that because I actually fell down that slab of crag once post taste testing a bottle of my cabinet sauvignon with a group of passing pilgrims, on their way to visiting a local religious erection. I was the colour of my Vinho Tinto, head to toe, after hurtling down Hangover rock, believe me that wasn’t the worse part; I landed on a cliff cactus, needles as long as my tooth brush. It took two passing Ice Cream sellers and air sea rescue to discharge me from that mighty flora and forna. I knew what Christ felt like on the cross for the next few days after my fall I oozed puss and bloody from every limb on my torso. The hospital said it wasn’t worth giving me tetanus because there was no place left to inject me!
There’s been a few close calls with some of my past guests as well. Demis Roussos (Does sign of the cross) and Montserrat Caballe ( ANOTHER CROSS SIGN) struggled a little with their Klemheist knots on their docents from Hangover Rock. Demis got so caught in the rope he actually dislodged his gastric bypass and Monserrat got her crampons caught in her kaftan, which completely ripped from waist down. It was fortuitist business for “Abseiling with Alan’s” company though. He covered her tush with an ample size advertising banner of his company logo. A large pick axe in a crack! And five hours of live television, free advertising can be very rewarding. There must have been 1500 spectators at the bottom (excuse the pun) When Alan eventually got her down I asked Monsarrat to do a live rendition of that rousing melody Barcelona. She hissed at me and said “I only worked in accounts for Streatham council”. I understand it had been a very taxing day for someone of her kudos and maybe she still carried A torch for Freddy, bet their having a right old sing song now?
Amor do Algarve
At Barbara Mountbatten’s guest house in the Algarve
NICOLA AND PETEE PUTTING OUT THE BREAKFAST THINGS, LOOKING AT WHATS GOING ON, THEY HAVE SEEN THIS ALL TO MANY TIMES BEFORE.
NICOLA
(Robust 40’s and not always willing to be pushed around, has her own pace, slow and slower, saying to Petee)
She’s always scheming something Petee, I should only be putting out muesli, fruit, honey and croissants for breakfast, now she’s got me putting out her Organic Vinho tinto and slices of her pot bread, at this hour, she tries to get them hooked.
PETEE
(50’s, eccentric, likes a dickie bow, even with a “Qunita das Barbaras” team t’shirt on)
It’s the only way she can get them on her bloody awful excursions Nicola, pissed or stoned.
NICOLA
She hopes they will buy it for gifts when they leave, says she’s trying to raise money for her next big thing?
PETEE
What next big thing? She off again thinking she’s Alan Sugar of Airbnb.
NICOLA
She swears it’s good for them, it’s all organic.
PETEE
Mice are organic I suppose.
NICOLA
Mice? What mice??
PETEE
Well, she ferments the wine in an old roll top bath, in the goat shed, it’s full of mice, the mice get drunk on it, that’s why her red is as thick as gravy.
NICOLA
And her cannabis plants have always got the cat urinating all over them.
PETEE
Babs swears they grow better for it?
NICOLA
I saw that bloody cat urinating on a guests sardine sandwich the other day while the guest was taking a dip in the pool, they left it by their lounger.
PETEE
Nothing surprises me here, that cat needs an asbo. You replaced the sarnie right?
NICOLA
I didn’t get chance, I went to say something to the guest as they got out the pool but they literally rapped their towel around themselves and took a big bite out their sandwich, what was I supposed to do?
PETEE
They must have vomited.
NICOLA
No, they said you can’t beat daily fresh caught sardines, they smell like the sea.
PETEE
There is no words for this place!
NICOLA
Cattywampus.
PETEE
What?
NICOLA
Disorganised, with nothing being done properly, like here, Cattywampus!
PETEE
Yes, and that bloody cats always involved
somewhere, Cattywampus!
An old dogs gentle lament
Was written to raise awareness about adopting older dogs from rescue shelters
AN OLD DOGS GENTLE LAMENT by Fiona Spreadborough
Look into my big, beautiful, gentle brown eyes, what do you see? Evenings cuddled up by the fire, my head on your knee, a woof, woof, from me.
Do you realise you rescued me from a rotten, dank, dark, wired cage, my body so sore I could no longer turn round, move, bark or rage! A hell away from my life today. Woof, woof, I say as I play.
A big wag from my little tail says it all, I do feel wanted and loved though strange as it seems when I did that before I got beaten with a stick, Isn’t that inhumain and just sick!
It took ten years to find this one perfect year now and even though I can’t exactly say, I want you to know every day is by your side I will always stay. Woof, woof, bones. squeaky toys, hooray!
On behalf of my old friends in homes, kennels and pens, please, please don’t overlook the love we have to give with our time on earth left to live. My big brown eyes are bursting with love, smart and wise. They just need you to see through the fact that I’m not a puppy, running about all fluffy and floppy. And besides, they always spill their food and pee on your carpet or mat, I’m done with that!
I might be old, somewhat tatty, eyes a bit tired, breathe a tad ratty. But I promise you this, take me home, give me a cuddle and I will always be right there, right by your knee for the whole world to see I LOVE YOU AND YOU SAVED ME.
Babbs Bushdashian Afganistan
Is an on going Youtube character I invented based on Kim Kardashian, but Babbs is Cockney and has a boyfriend Barnier East and she travels the world to find new and exciting Ice Cream flavors
BB here. Keeping up with the Busdashian.
I like a man who’s not afraid to show his feminine side, wear a dress and a nice scalf wrapped around his Barnett. You wouldn’t get Donald Trump doing that, well not in public anyway!
Today I met Tell e Ban and he was wearing a beautiful scalf, we met on the Silk Road from TajIkistan, heading up the Hindu Kush. I said to Tell e Ban, in my country you would be called Terry, Tell is short for Terry. I like Tell e Ban it’s different, more romantic. Tell replied in Pasto, I know a few words of Pasto but he spoke very fast and intensely I couldn’t catch a thing!
Tell was quite sweet actually, he kept giving me an old Meshy burka thing to put over my head, to protect me from the flies I guess? I said “Tell I get claustrophobia and blacks not me colour love, and close to me face its well it’s very aging. I threw it over the mountain side when he wasn’t looking!
The Hindu Kush can be very tricky to cross in places but I think if there was a boutique Marriott and a McDonalds it would attract a lot more tourists, I mean Vegas was just a dessert. They could have a Gengis Khan casino.
And there’s beautiful gems in Badakhshad, like Lapis Lazuli, they are the finest in the World. It’s a no brainer to me dig a few up and it could be a deposit on a new Afganistan Holiday resort. That’s how Billy Butlin got started, he dig up a turnip field, sold them and built little chalets on it instead. You gotta be enterprising. I said to Tell that’s why I’m here love, to get pure organic poppy seeds for my next gelato recipe.
Actually I could even be tempted to open a Afganistani Ice Cream Parlour if they ever rebuild the Budda statues in Bamiyan, perfect spot, bearing in mind they was the biggest budda statues in the world, blown up in 2001, not much left now, what was the point of that? Some drunk terriost of on a stag night I heard, couldn’t handle the liquor Beirao, should of stuck to goat milk!
I thought while I’m here in Afghanistan before I head off towards the Kyber Pass I might go and expore the ancient Monks caves, near the Buddda site, but I gotta give that Tell the slips first, I can’t get rid of him now, he’s outside my yurt as I speak. I thought he was getting a bit over friendly when the front of his dress kept rising up, turns out he’s carrying an Ak47 under it! I said Tell e Ban, you got nothing to fear with me, I know I talk a bit. He spouted Pasto again at me, well he can Pasto off!!
I’ve done paint ball training in Epping Forrest so don’t mess with a TOWIE, that Tell he’s got nothing on me. So I’m slipping under the cover of me Yurk come sun up and I’m off! I’ve already booked me camel to take me to Kabul, bit of lunch, then it’s straight on to the Kyber Pass. That’s named after my fav currey house in Chigwell. A nice Veggie vindaloo and a peshwarhie nan would go down a treat right now.
So till next time BaBBS Bush
Gaya Candles
Was a couple of scripts I wrote and voiced for an online solopreneur business
First section/Image
We lead such busy lives, we often forget to take deep breaths in, or look up at the blue sky, even secretly dance when we hear our favourite song.
Second section/image
Have you been promising yourself to finish “Twyla Tharps” book, “The Creative Habit” since forever? With a hot mug of your delicious coffee blend from “Grind and Co” in Soho?
Third section/Image
And Yoga has been on your to do list for months now, how can we always be that busy that we forget about US? We used to paint pictures, it seems such a long time ago now, they weren’t very good but there’s still one hanging on the wall and everyone always admires it.
Forth section/image
STOP! Now’s the perfect time to rewind, take that deep breath in, smell the scents of Mother Nature’s best perfumes, look at the colours of the sky, forever changing. Sit and read that wonderful book. Light candles with flickering flames to relax us and envelope us in warm light, feel calm, at peace and at one with the beautiful fragrances of the unique blends and scents of luxurious hand poured candles that are exclusive to Gaya Candles, why? Because we deserve to make ourselves feel special, it’s time for US.
YouTube Royals
YouTube Royal channel that I do the voice over for, Copy and paste to listen
News Article for YouTube Royal project.
Is Megan Markle really like Wallis Simpson as so often mentioned by the press or media or are they just selling copy.
We all love a royal wedding, a fairy tale carriage and believe in a happy every after.
Monarchy depends on continuity, definitely conformity and gruelling public scrutiny. Too much assertiveness and individual opinion can be frowned upon. Normally you need to keep schtum, some might say a la, the well behaved members of the Royal crew for a good press and public rating.
Royal watcher Ingrid Seward likens Megan to Wallis Simpson as they have many of the same views about their temporary homes, when they both lived in Old Blighty.
Neither much have taken to the climate and felt miss quoted or misunderstood constantly by the media and even though Wallis wouldn’t have had the media frenzy that can follow Megan and Harry, they both had to grow thick skins and have felt unlinked by the public, especially because Megan has been outspoken on several occasions about the Royal family and her political views.
So, their lives are as colourful as ours and team Sussex has already warned, in the nicest possible way, that Megan and Harry are team activists and won’t remain quietly in their corner.
A spokesperson for the couple told an insider “Obviously it is at a very important part if the American election cycle at the moment, but it doesn’t mean it’s specific to this time.
Part of being an active member of society is to take part in the democratic process and encouraging people to vote and to get involved in politics and your community, if you have a voice to be able to do so, is a good thing and it’s something that’s important to do so.
The spokesperson for the Megan and Harry also emphasised, they aren’t the first two royals actually to speak out about politics. Referring to remarks made by Queen Elizabeth 11 in 2003 and again in 2014, they said
Let’s not forget even Queen Elizabeth herself has sometimes been known to trip over her own tiara a little with some of her slightly out spoken, off duty remarks, it’ isn’t just Megan who have been publically verbal about Politics.
In 2003 and 2014 Queen Elizabeth, encouraged people to use their right to vote when there was a referendum in Scotland and when there was an election in Wales, so its’ not just Megan and Wallis, who have spoken a bit too loudly or looked to assertive over the years
The queen voiced her concerns about the low turnout of voters for the Welsh election in 2003 in a speech at the local assembly and in 2014 the Queen said to well-wishers in Aberdeen ahead of the Independence referendum in Scotland in 2014 to “think carefully about the future”
So, their lives are as colourful as ours and team Sussex has a lot more on their future agendas to share with the world, so let’s keep watching and listening, it’s going to be interesting, that’s for sure.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2o60e4sgKm8&t=38s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSg0dZdWS6Q&t=86s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIJwjdvyDx4&t=94s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pba3f9aZiA&t=26s
Lana McGee and Me
A new play about 2 homeless middle-aged women and how they deal with their everyday lives trying their best to get by but can never fully remove the dark clouds that loom overhead
LANA McGee and Me
A heart to heart.
Vera: You mean ecstatic.
Lana: What?
Vera: You feel ecstatic, not elastic!
Lana: I’m such a twat. You’re so good with words.
Vera: (hesitant) I spent my childhood locked in a basement, books and words were all I had. I listened to music playing in the house above, heard dancing, I looked at the pictures in the books, matched the words to the pictures. I heard people laughing, I knew there was more in the world to experience, I taught myself to read, to escape in my mind. After every beating, every rape I read, after every birth I read, after every murder I read. You’re the only person who ever touched me with tenderness, the first person who ever said they loved me.
Lana: Lord lov yeah, I never…(knew)
Vera: I never…(said)
Lana: What can I do to… (help?)
Vera: (You can’t.)… I’m too damaged, it’s who I am.
Lana: Your babies?
Vera: Murdered.
Lana: Jesus…
Vera: My parents were part of some weird, pedo cult. I was a machine for baby meat to sacrifice. I gave birth in the dark, just a lamp and mattress on the floor, they were taken from me.
Lana: Perhaps they were adopted?
Vera: I heard their gut wrenching screams and then silences.
Lana: Could you do nothing?
Vera: I ask myself that every day? I sleep in a dug out hollow under a bush in a park, who the hell would believe my story?
Lana: how did you get away?
Vera: There was a trap door, heavy like steal, I could never push it up. One day all the loud music, laughing stopped up above and she didn’t bring me my soup slops or change my bucket. I climbed the small stairs, tried to push the hatch up, I could hardly move it, I got some small books to wedge them under the hatch, it started to work. I placed them all around the hatch and started to add more books to support the hatch and make the space larger to eventually climb through. The books saved me.
Lana: I knew you was a genius.
Vera: (Vera starts reliving some of the moments and time) I squeezed my way slowly out like a snake shedding its skin but I knew I would never be shedding of that dark place. My eyes hurt, like pins were stabbing them, I had to sit on the floor for what seemed like, until my eyes adapted. I was in a kitchen with a sign on the wall that said “home sweet home” kitchen tiles that had strawberries on and matching table cloth. It took me another two years to know they were called strawberries, I didn’t know, I won’t ever forget they were the first things I saw. I got up slowly, I went towards a door with a small window and lace net curtains, I peeped out, there was a beautiful garden full of wonderful colours, I’d never seen so much beauty. The shapes of the flowers and the leaves mesmerised me, that’s why I like sleeping in the park to be near the flower gardens, I like to eat some flowers as they are so beautiful, I feel like they will fill me with beauty. I walked into a big room with a long table, many chairs, it felt like this was the room where all the music came from, there were records and a record player, I’d learnt about records and music in a Rolling Stones songbook. There was a Donna Summer record on the turntable called “Love to love you baby”. What a crazy name, no one loved babies here, I thought! Then I saw their picture on the wall, the man who repeatedly tortured, raped me, the lady who bought me soup, cleaned up my shit, they were my parents Colin and Kathleen Johnson. Their names were in front of the picture with a caption underneath saying he had won milkman of the year for selling more milk than anyone else during the 1975 “Watch out there’s a Humphrey about” milk campaign. Watch out, watch out there’s a Colin Monster about, more fucking like!
Lana: That’s why you don’t like Colin the Caterpillar cakes.
Vera: Stupid, it’s just a fucking cake!
Vera: I looked around that room, I could smell the horror, I wanted to puke, what if they came back? I panicked, I saw a door, there was a little window next to it, I looked out, saw lots of red and white tape all around, men standing talking. I saw a ladies coat hanging on a peg, I put it on and some shoes, perhaps they were my Mums? I went to the kitchen where the other door was, I opened it, went out into the sunshine, daylight, I had never felt the sun, it was so, so perfect, I wanted to run, legs had no strength, I wanted to lay in the sun, knew I couldn’t. I walked slowly towards a gate at the back of the garden, I knew nothing of the world, the place I was in, the street, how to cross a road, I knew nothing. The moment I opened that gate, it would be like being born again, I realised I would have to learn to live, stay alive. I thought I should just go back to the dark place as my legs were trembling so hard, my heart was pumping out of my mouth, but I had felt the sunshine, smelt the flowers, I knew I could find the strength to survive.
Lana: you’re a survivor Vera, if you can eat Marmite you can survive anything!
Vera: I opened that gate, a beautiful little black cat came purring around my legs, I picked it up, snuggled into my arms, I walked up a lane, sat on a bench, cried bucket loads, the little cat purred and I knew I wouldn’t let anyone ever hurt me again.
Lana: You got yourself a lucky black cat there Vera.
Vera: I named my cat “Sunshine”, he stayed with me. The one thing I wished I could have afforded was a camera, I could have taken a picture of him, still he’s always with me in spirit, I hear his purrs, I know he’s here.
Lana: I named all the goldfish in the school pond, we chat daily, they never moan or laugh at me, they blow a few to many bubbles at me sometimes, I do give them quite a bit to eat, I think they are burping, have you ever seen a goldfish burp? (Lana pulls funny goldfish faces and starts to do her worst burps)
Lana McGee and Me
An early scene between Vera and Lana as we get to know them
Poem. BENCH WITH A VIEW.
Bench placed in Situ, for years to come, donated on behalf of a crinkled, diseased, deceased loved one.
A little plaque saying when they finally departed, believing they’ll sit there in after life bliss,
watching the world slide by each day, peacefully, never a miss.
Sometimes disturbed by dumb, arguing couple, he sitting left, legs spread apart, her crossed arms tight, defiant, to the right, no love lost in a senseless fight. So he has affairs, who cares?
If only they knew what time can do, (When no on loves you) life erodes, happiness explodes, veils disintegrate, bridal gowns drown, Dads frown.
Placed in Situ, Mums sit, gossip, chat, while children play, running this way, skipping that. Watch out for the Pedo passing by, mums know and never shift one eye, don’t fucking try!
Kids race to bench for sweets and squash, bruised knees from climbing trees, laughing and crying, all in one breath, quick cuddle will do, on the seat in the park, dinner time soon, fish fingers for tea, with mash, perhaps they’ll invite me? Still, I can pick their bins, either way wins.
Placed in Situ, briefcase on lap, bovine foreign attaché, gonna do a drop, gonna make a swop, end a life with a click of a gun, through the ear, what fun, soon done.
Leave blood oozing from brain, victim dead in a crumpled pile on a pew made of hard metal and wood, Victorian style, looks good.
For governments all’s well, for papers it’s news, for lovers it’s hell, for me I see eyes wide shut, ears closed, lips zipped fast, only way if I want to last, past the red tape cordon when it’s removed and sit once more with calm infused.
Placed in situ, me on a rainy day, on my pew with a long reaching view, no one to bother me, not even you, where are you, who are you, what do you do?
I’m left alone as I have no home, just a space under the sky, where the world passes by past my bench with a view, I’m so, so not different to you.
Ha-ha, I have many funny four legged friends, who come pee next to me by the big oak tree, come say hello with a wag of a tail and a lick of the tongue, that’s fun, I laugh, free bath.
They never judge or say, “hey go away, you smell like hell, you are scum” They think I’m family if I have a stick and can throw it quick, for at least an hour (or two) a day, it’s perfect for flee ridden strays, like them and me. I see they know, we know, we both have nowhere to go.
A stray on a bench with a perfect view, life can be better, that’s me, what about you?
Little Bird
A film about the amazing life of the Brazilian footballer Garrincha and his second wife Elza Soares. This is a monologue from Elza
Little Bird Monologue 1
I’m immune to hurt. My contract, saying I perform here tonight, so that is what I wil do.
Either you go and introduce me or I’ll introduce myself.
Fine, out my way, I’ll do the bloody job myself.
I came here to sing to you, because that’s what I believe I do best.
In most people eyes tonight I’m just a whore.
Why? Because I fell in love with the man you all fell in love with. Not just you women, you men as well. I haven’t taken him away from you. He decided to separate from his wife in Pau
Grande. Your hero, is human, like us all he makes mistakes, he isn’t flawless. For 12 years he’sgiven everything, his heart, soul, his feet to Botofogo and Brazil. Now he’s hurting, feet, knees,
heart and soul! How many of you have stayed committed to your job for so long? Especially if you was ill or the pain got unbearable! I believe we found each other at the right moment in
time and I can help him. Despite what you all think I want him back playing the way he used to because that’s when he’s most alive on the pitch making everyone happy.
If people stop persecuting us, I will do my damdest to see that this happens. If I could kick a ball for him I would, but I merely sing.
You can say or do what you like to me but I want to make sure these boys behind me go home with their wages in their pockets tonight. Don’t persecute them as well. I came here to make
sweet music and that’s what were going to do. Take it away boys
Love letters to Vivi
The story of an English woman Alison who got caught up in the Bataclan Terrorist attack in Paris and half her life was wiped out and her memory, all that has kept her going through her recovery is the belief that Vivienne Westwood is her Mother and so every week she writes letters to her and the letters tell her story
Love letters to Vivi
The final couple of scenes.
Alison put her phone down and she picks up a book which is by Daniyal called “High Altitude, Low opening by Daniyal Osman”
ALISON
Not long now, Alison Osman, has a nice ring to it. “Mrs Alison Osman can you describe your inspiration for this incredible dress?” Absolutely, it was made with love from my heart and it fills my soul with joy as it cost me just £50.
Alison goes to exit, she takes a clothes bag with her that has her dress and her book and she switches the shop lights out. We see an image of the Eiffel tower somewhere on the set all eliminated, then it goes to day time. Daniyal enters he looks a bit nervous and a bit shaky. Alison enters she has a dress that matches Daniyals suit, she runs up and kisses him.
DANIYAL
You look beautiful.
ALISON
The East End boy has the nicest complements.
DANIYAL
The West End girl is a good teacher.
ALISON
You’ve lost weight.
DANIYAL
Nervous, couldn’t eat.
ALISON
(happy)
You’re never nervous. I missed you so much.
DANIYAL
Ditto, let’s do this.
The song by “Alison Moyet, Only you” plays and we see in mime Daniyal and Alison doing the motions of getting married, exchanging rings and miming I do etc (to be worked out) Then they put some confetti style necklaces over each other’s necks (throw a little confetti) and kiss and wander around the Eiffel tower image dancing romantically, then they exit. Lighting changes back to home and they enter with bags like they are back at their flat. Daniyal looks a bit exhausted.
DANIYAL
Welcome home Mrs Osman.
ALISON
Thankyou Mr Osman. Tea would be wonderful Mr Osman.
Alison is getting stuff out of her bag including a newpaper “The Metro” from the tube. Daniyal is holding his side somewhat, it’s uncomfortable. Alison doesn’t notice shes’ still on cloud nine.
DANIYAL
Peppermint, lemon, or earl grey Mrs Osman?
ALISON
Surprise me?
DANIYAL
Coffee it is then.
Alison isn’t taking much notice she’s reading the paper.
ALISON
Remember that article a couple of months ago I read to you in the café after seeing “Hamilton” about the high profile paedophile ring, apparently it say’s here the police are really close to exposing a global high net worth, top echelons of society paedophile network.
DANIYAL
It’s never gonna happen.
ALISON
Why do you say that?
DANIYAL
Because there’s law and there’s above the law and then there’s the untouchables. The only hope by someone publishing articles like this is that it might help save venerable souls in the future. Expose the untouchables even if they can’t be touched. Can you imagine for example a member of the royal family in prison or a President banged up?
ALISON
You’re right, one rule for them and another for us. (Alison’s phone rings)Hi John, yes we had an amazing time thank you and thanks for the present, phew, Mandarin Oriental, 6 stars blew my mind, I’m normally a B and B type of girl. What are you kidding me, my book is a best seller, it can’t be possible it’s only been what a week? Wait till I tell Daniyal.
Alison turns around expecting to see Daniyal making the tea, but he’s slumped on the floor, she puts her phone down. She’s unsure but she thinks he’s joking after hearing her news of a best seller.
ALISON
Very funny, the girl came good, get up Mr Silly comedian. Daniyal, it’s not funny now, get up, Daniyal get up please stop now, Daniyal (she’s shaking him) O my god.
Alison rushes to her phone and dials 999.
ALISON
Ambulance, I need an ambulance to 275 Upper Street, my husband has collapsed and he’s not responding to anything, he’s completely lifeless. Ok hurry please.
Alison goes over to Daniyal laying on the floor and she trys to lift him and cuddle him, she’s trying to rock him and is trying to stay calm but is in a state of shock. The lights dim and we start to hear sirens and we see lights flashing like the ambulance has arrived, Alison and Daniyal exit the stage discretely. The lights raise up like warm beautiful day, the birds are chirping, we see Alison dressed in a beautiful black outfit/dress, she is holding a small bunch of colourful flowers. She takes the flowers one by one and scatters them like she is throwing them on to a coffin then she goes down on her knees and leans forward like she’s crying or praying. Suddenly startled she looks up and someone is standing above her, she gets up.
ALISON
(Shaking hands with someone)
Thank you for coming Daniyal would have loved that, Yes I know who you are, it’s wonderful to meet you at last Dame Vivienne Westwood, better in different circumstances but not meant to be. Yes, Covid 19 is terrible but like you are always honest and some say out spoken, I’m just gonna say this he didn’t die, he was murdered, the autopsy said his internal organs just shut down due to a pathogen but covid 19 wasn’t the pathogen it was Bacillus anthracis or Anthrax, just for the record.(Pause) He loved working for you but knew he had to get out, he knew too much about bad people that he was investigating, linked to Wikileaks, that’s all I know.(Pause) You like my dress, thanks I made it myself, you can see I’m a big fan of yours, I design things myself all the time. Pardon, you could give me a trial if I wanted to come and work for you, you’re kidding me, sorry how rude of me I forgot to introduce myself my names Alison. Actually I have something I’d like to give you, it’s my personal copy, it’s a present for you.
Alison gives Vivienne a copy of her book “Love letters to Vivie”.(She actually stays holding the book outstretched in her hand)
I wrote it, apparently it’s becoming a number 1 best seller. Thanks for the offer of a job, another time I would have jumped at it, but I promised Daniyal after today it’s time to move on, close the book, this is for you from me “Love letters to Vivie”
The lights go down
The END.
Paulo Seixas Song
Song lyrics were written for a well-known Portuguese singer
I got spiders
Ooh, ooh, ooh, If you leave me out of your party
I’ll crash it.
Don’t say he’s just a friend, who’s not on the mend,
I got troubles too, ooo
If I can’t score my fix I get spiders inside my head,
You got harmonies in yours instead.
Ahahaha. Don’t let me down.
Can’t take me down.
Don’t make me down.
I’m going your way.
Please let me stay.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, Let’s make music, sweet music,
We’ll smash it.
Don’t let me crawl a walk of shame, don’t make me beg.
I’ll take you back, he’s to blame.
Don’t want our happiness hanging by a thread,
I’ve got spiders inside my head.
Ahahaha. Don’t let me down.
Don’t push me down.
I’m not going away.
I’m going your way.
Please let me stay.
He made a shadow over our sun,
Stole my respect, pride, your love,
But I’m tied.
I got to pay everyday, when I hear you say go.
Yeah, I’m gone, I’m dead, I got spiders inside my head.
Ahahaha. Don’t let me fall.
Don’t make me crawl.
Please let me home,
I’ve been a Jack
I want you back.
I’m caught in a web, spinning by a crystal thread,
Gonna drop to the abyss, a cavern of torment n bliss
It’s a black widow; I’m trapped in the dark,
Show me the sun.
Clean out this venom, take my hand instead.
I got, I got, I got, I got spiders inside my head.
The damage is done.
I got spiders.
The spell is cast.
I got hell
The knife is sharp
I got no heart.
Dead.
No spiders inside my head.
The Little Bird film script
The introduction to the film script of the amazing life of Garrincha
The following is my film script story about the true life and the crazy world of “Garrincha”, the man with deformed legs, one of the GREATEST football players of all time the “Little Bird”
Prominent international football media and historians in Brazil proclaim him the best ever, even above Pele, actually Pele says Garrincha is one of his hero’s. Brazil lost only once when Garrincha played and they never lost when he and Pele played together.
The script also examines the life and relationship of Elza Soares with Garrincha, they both began life in incredible poverty but only Elza lives to tell the tale. The BBC voted her the voice of the millennium, but outside Brazil this amazing diva with the unique voice is hardly known.
His life ended how it began in poverty but he had a funeral that made Princess Diana’s look humble. The streets were so crowded that even his own family couldn’t get to it!! He was loved and worshiped by Brazil and STILL IS TODAY
He was a great showman and done many mad things on the pitch and even madder of it.(you can see his footage on you tube, and Elzas) He couldn’t read or write and was probably the poorest paid man in football because of his lack of leaning but it never bothered him and he was happiest playing on a dirt pitch in his bare feet. He never left his humble beginnings and that is what I believe despite this film script being quite dark and maybe offensive to some ( you may be offended, if so don’t read it) if produced he will rise up with the legend status he deserves.
Time is running out for the optimum time for (it as a film project) me to tell the story as the World Cup begins on June 12 2014. So I am just going to begin telling the story now and see what happens?
LITTLE BIRD
EXTERIOR. NIGHT TIME. ON A HILL OVER LOOKING THE SEA, SOMEWHERE IN BRAZIL
An Afro-Brazilian Macumba Priest is holding a spiritual ritual around a fire. He is dressed in a witch doctor type costume. He is quite camp and larger than life. He has followers sitting listening. The stars are shinning brightly.
ALBERTO
If we are lucky in our lives we are blessed with the opportunity to witness some form of greatness. A genius can come with the most unusual aura, so unique they can almost go unrecognised, they don’t conform to what’s expected, especially if they didn’t even expect it!
We find heroes, look up to them. They inspire us to try a lot harder, to reach a little further, throw away the rule book, rewrite our destiny because against all odds they transformed theirs.
What makes someone a legend? It could take a life time to recognise them, then maybe it’s to late. Often they live in the moment, on the edge, reaching beyond human capabilities achieving great things, sometimes falling over the edge because they never knew when to stop, destroying everything they achieved.
I want to tell you a story of a real legend, but don’t expect perfect… Manuel Francisco do Santos, Mane for short,.. meaning fool or half wit..the Little Bird Garrincha.
The eyes of the followers are draw to the fire as it burns brightly.
FADE OUT.
(Fade IN:)
INTERIOR. APARTMENT. DAY.
12th January 1983
In a poor apartment in Bangu in Brazil. Its dark, the windows are small. We hear Brazilian samba music on a radio playing “Se Acaso Voce Chegasse” by Elza Soares. Moaning noises from the floor, there’s a naked man on top of a woman who’s fully dressed. We think he is trying to make love to her, then see he is pinning her down hurting her. He’s spitting in her face, calling her names going crazy. She manages to push him off her. He is drunk, about to collapse. She is trying to get up, screaming for help. He lays collapsed on the floor.
She rushes to the phone, dials without hesitation. She’s hysterical.
VANDERLEA
Please come quickly, I need help.
Garrincha’s trying to pull himself up from the floor, he smashes into the radio, it goes flying, he’s crying hysterically. The radio still playing the song
GARRINCHA
Elza, Elza, Elza
He picks up a broom, starts to smash it around the room. Vanderlea runs to the small kitchen. The music changes, he drops to the floor sobbing. She doesn’t move from the corner of the kitchen floor, her hands covering her head. A puddle forms on the floor where he is pissing himself, then he starts to vomit. He lays face down in his vomit. She stares at him lying on the floor. Some people walk in from outside as the door is wide open. They have a stretcher, they try to pick him up, put him on the stretcher. The whole crazy madness starts again. She just sits there not moving.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR. HOSPITAL WARD. DAY.
Calendar in the ward says date 18th January 1983. Garrincha sitting on the edge of a bed in hospital looking yellow, sickly and pale. Wearing simple clothes hardly able to stand he lifts himself from the bed. An old man raises his head from the next bed to speak with him.
OLD MAN
Mane, come here son. I proposed to my dear wife, God rest her soul, 1958 the day you won us the world cup…I said to her…
GARRINCHA
…I remember my friend…
If we win we’ll get married.
OLD MAN
We did…Mane, you won. Go outside kick a ball for me… kick the booze Mane. I can’t lift these legs any more, lift my heart instead. Don’t come back here again. You’re special to all of us. Now leave me in peace and let me die happy.
He walks slowly towards door. He turns to the old man.
GARRINCHA
This time is my last time here my friend
He reaches the exit and into the full sunlight
CUT TO:
EXTERIOR. RIO STREET. DAY.
There’s activity on the street and in the bar opposite. He slowly walks in the bars direction. A hand touches his shoulder.
NURSE
You left this Garrincha
She hands him a wallet. The nurse is very pretty.
NURSE (CONT’D)
Don’t do this to yourself any more.
GARRINCHA
I might if you keep giving me those blow jobs every time I come back in. You make me feel sooo good.
NURSE
Your body can’t take any more punishment. Don’t head for that bar, Garrincha.
He takes some money out his wallet and gives it to her.
NURSE (CONT’D)
I don’t want a reward.
GARRINCHA
It’s for your kid, buy her the party dress you said she wanted.
She takes the money, tears well up in her eyes.
GARRINCHA (CONT’D)
See that phone box over the road, that’s where I am going.
He pinches her bum, then starts to walk across the road. She stands watching as he heads towards the phone box, then she walks back inside. He enters the phone box, his hands are shaking with withdrawals. It’s hard for him to press the right numbers.
GARRINCHA (CONT’D)
I love you baby. Please say something. I need you, I’m begging.
(tears start to fall)
Elza, Elza, take me back, I need you, I love you…
He drops the phone, sits down on the floor like a broken man. A voice calls him from the bar.
BAR MAN
Mane, what are you doing there man? Come join us. I have some friends here who would love to meet you.
GARRINCHA
I’m coming my friend.
He’s pulling himself up, using the phone box as a prop, his body language then starts to become a bit more brisk.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR. IN A DARK SMOKEY JAZZ TYPE CLUB.
Elza Soares is sitting on a chair singing a melancholy song in her own very distinctive style. The place is packed, there isn’t a murmur or a movement. As she sings tears are rolling down her cheeks. Around the room men and women have tears rolling down their faces.
FADE OUT.
ALBERTO IN THE FADE. (V.O.)
Remember, a real legend but never perfect.